Where do I begin?
It is no secret that I have put on some significant pounds since January. As a result, this is the only picture I could find that was taken in January that I have.
As you know I was feeling pretty good at the end of last year. I had lost some weight at school, which I always do pretty easily, and some how kept it off while I was home for November and December. Things were going well!
Upon going back to school in January things were well. I lost the few pounds that I had gained while home (about 4-6 I think) plus a few more. Then, something happened.
I met this guy, we started hanging out, and I noticed my eating habits start to slip. At some point things with the guy went weird – because I don’t know how to express myself emotionally – and so did my eating habits. I started eating a lot more crap, Jelly Beans for dinner wasn’t an abnorm.
By the time I came home in March I think I had gained about 8lbs, and was unhappy again with my appearance. This only got worst. When I came home from school my parents went on a vacation, which left me and my little brother at home by myself. I don’t like to cook, and so unhealthy habits returned when we were here alone.
Anyways, I gained even more when they were gone and since then I have been trying to lose again – sort of unintentionally maintaining this weight – until recently.
The past week or so, it has gone up even more. I have kinda given up on myself. This sucks. My workouts have been crap, my eating has been horrible, and I just have the ‘I don’t care anymore’ mentality. I do try to have healthy habits, and then some point during the day I sabotage myself. I’m sick of myself – is that weird?
I know we all have struggles, and eating properly is mine – it just sucks that I have to look at it every day and that it is out there for the world to see.
I’m so so so embarrassed with how I look that I don’t want to do things with people. We have a family picnic this weekend, and I’m dreading it solely based on the fact that I look so fat.
Anyways, the point of this post is to say that I’m not exactly sure what to do with myself anymore – I’m at my last straw. I know that obsessing over calories, meal planning and just general focus on food does not really help me. I tend to go overboard if I try and achieve ‘balanced’ eating. Doing challenges also doesn’t really work all to well.
I was thinking today, I have 30 days until a friends wedding. It would be nice to lose a pound a day until then. I know as of today I hadn’t lost that one pound. I feel like this would be a failed challenge again.
Oh ya and a piggy bank update: piggy bank 2; Nicole 0
What I know for sure is that I will get back to normal workouts tomorrow, and then try to get healthy eats back on track. I will do that tomorrow, and then focus on another thought the next day.
One day at a time, one minute at a time.
If you made it to the end of the post, thank you haha – quite a lengthy one!